Thursday, October 6, 2011
Today is day 6 and last night was tough....the breast feeding was extremely painful and I was in tears while feeding her. She is a very hungry baby and was eating every hour to 45 minutes...she just wasn't getting full. We were feeding for 30minutes to 45 minutes so I had about 30 minutes of down time to heal.....a recipe for disaster. Plus this meant no sleep time at all during the wee hours. So finally around 4 last night I broke down and fed her formula. We had researched and chosen the best organic formula we could find and had a few on hand...just in case. Thank god! She guzzled it down and crashed for 4 1/2 hours straight...that felt like sleeping through the night to me. I cried and felt guilt, disappointment and anxiety for choosing formula...I know breast milk is the best and it was only day 5.
After a nice stretch of sleep I came to terms with this. My boobs needed a break to heal and I was no good as a mom if I was in pain, tears and on the verge of a breakdown. Also I thought of some great moms and dads I know who haven't been able to breast feed for a variety of reason and their kids are awesome and no worse off. I guess I needed to be less hard on myself. I am quickly learning there are so many emotions that come with being a mom and letting go of the negative ones like guilt is crucial.
Around 6 I got up and self expressed some milk, then at 8 I pumped. I was able to get a huge bottle and I felt so proud. The pump was much easier on me and less painful. She had 1/2 of that bottle and crashed again. I think I can get ahead of the cycle and take care of myself and my baby. If I have to supplement, all that matters is that she and I are both happy and healthy. I think we were exhausting her as well with the tons of feedings that weren't really filling her belly...because as I type she is crashed in her moby wrap happy as can be. Completely knocked out!
The journey of learning and love continue.