I am a self confessed control freak. I realize this and know that when things are out of my control I have to work extra hard to ....you know...let it go. I have been working on this 'let it go' mantra a lot lately.
I am a teacher and my job has been displaced....which means in PR terms, eliminated. The district will decide on Thursday what job they want to move me to, maybe....like 90%, otherwise I could get a job over the summer when funding happens. And I will have to decide if I want the job they offer me or if I would rather just stay home with Bambino. If no job is offered to me on Thursday I am going under the assumption that I will not be working next year since I can't sit around all summer thinking one will open up.
On one hand I think staying home with Ocoee would be the best thing that could happen. I love being with her and to be honest it is hard being a working mom. I know so many people do it and do it well, but I am pretty exhausted. To have the luxury of focusing on being a mom would be pretty amazing.
On the other hand, there would be some financial set backs in our life if I don't work. Also getting back into the profession of teaching when she goes to school or later could be a challenge. Retirement and tenure and all of those boring things that must be considered could be bumps in the road. I know we can overcome them....there is just the last issue.
I love teaching. I am a good teacher and have spent a lot of time and energy getting the education I have to try and make a difference in students lives. I feel good about myself when I am productive and contributing to the greater good. I also have worked and earned money since I was 14 years old in some way. The emotional roller coaster of letting all the old ways of defining myself go, and reinventing myself as a mom is challenging.
I am in a good place though. Either way I win, by continuing my career and teaching or by staying at home and raising my daughter....the most important job I will ever do. I am just happy that answers will hopefully come soon.
I know many moms have dealt with this same situation and different things work for them and their unique spot, but the emotions of guilt, love, excitement, hope and worry are all the same across the board. We all love our families and want to do what is best for them.