So I looked up postpartum depression and the good folks at Wikipedia told me that it is a depression effecting women
(and some men) after child birth.
Here are the symptoms:
Symptoms include sadness, fatigue, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, reduced libido, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability.
So I am pretty sure that I am not depressed, but I have had several of those symptoms. I think I am going to coin a new term, called postpartum confusion. I am often confused. Why do I have to get out of bed? Why is there so much laundry? How can I get a 6 pack without working out? What should I do with my life? Do we want a bigger house? Where will I work next year or for the next 20 years?
And yes all of these questions flutter through my head all day, at 1000 miles per hour. So that leads to a little anxiety.
But then other days I wake up, baby smiles, my world melts, I skip out the door, kiss the love of my life on the way out, the sun is shining, my hair and outfit look good, and I think...I have it all.
Today is not that day. Today my hair is a genetic curse, my outfit makes me look pregnant (uh, thanks lunch lady for asking when I am due...even though I am pretty sure you were at my shower when I was 10 months pregnant!) Hubby was still asleep, as was baby.....no love or kisses or smiles from them to wrap around myself like armor to protect me from the insults, large and small.
So is this postpartum confusion that causes the widely fluctuating emotions? Some days I have never been more purposeful and sure of anything in my life, other days I feel like a complete failure at everything I do.
The truth is a think we all are this way. We all have insecurities and fears that we mask and hide from each other. Why do we want people to think our lives are perfect? Are we afraid to admit it aloud that sometime life sucks...for no reason at all.
These little dramas are pointless because I have dealt with true tragedy and real horror in life, and never once was I thinking about my hair or the laundry when it really hits the fan. My husband thinks it is the human condition to be unsatisfied. I (the optimist in the relationship) thinks it is the human condition to Overcome.
So I hope to overcome this postpartum confusion and get my brain back along with my purpose. I do know I feel complete when I hold this in my arms.